Melancholy. It’s the best way to describe the way I feel. It’s as if the blues rode in on the soft breeze of fall. Crisp mornings snuck in to replace muggy summer days. The rain fuels my lawn into overdrive. And while it can sometimes seem like spring with the fresh blooms of autumn, there isn’t that new life or rebirth hanging in the air.
Melancholy. I want to wrap up in a warm quilt, sip coffee and read books curled up in the embrace of my couch. I want to drown out the thoughts that seem to never shut up in my head. It’s October. I need to get the Halloween decorations out. Dia de los Muertos is right around the corner and I should find the box with my offrende items stored inside. My bride and photos of loved ones gone. My sugar skulls and the papel picado carefully folded and preserved for the second year of Todd’s absence.
My mind skips around. I wonder if the masks are in the decorations box. I’m going to need one of those for the Bling Bling Fling! this weekend. I miss Todd. Should I take my lunch to the cemetary and sit in the sun with him? He crossed my mind often and usually I can fight back the tears but today they roll down my cheeks and land on my chest with a splat. Sometime I think a cry should be cleansing but lately, there seems to be no release. So relief. The tears just keep coming. So I try to occupy my mind with other things.
I need new blinds and to wash the curtains. Did my mom really volunteer me to host Thanksgiving? Was she serious? Money, always worried about money? The dust bunnies in the corners of my house hop from room to room, from the dining room to the laundry room, hovering around the television. The roll toward the door as if to greet me. I need help moving the china cabinet into place and putting the book shelf in my guest room. Who can I get to help with that?
Saddness. Did my saddness blow in with the wind, or was it there all along?The harsh yellow lights of the office do nothing to force my focus on work. Instead I think about Halloween, and the party at Jamie’s two years ago. Todd came dressed as a Girl Scout. Tiffany came as a beer girl — all boobs. What I wouldn’t give for one more beer with Todd. One more hug. Just one more minute.
I’ll be counting down until the wind shifts again. Spring should bring new life and growth. Hopefully it will sweep away my grief like the brittle leaves if fall.
