I was never a big Rihanna fan. 
Umbrella came and went. Her futuristic Bladerunner-esque get-ups were interesting enough but nothing that led me to listen any closer.
But then she hit the tabloids. Or rather her dumb, yet equally famous, b-friend Chris Brown hit her and they both were splashed all over glossy covered rags littered across grocery store counters. A big, muddied purple bruise across one eye and photo after photo of her hiding behind big sunglasses or her hand.
She didn’t talk much about the abuse. Retreated. And over the last couple of months as I have tried and tried to get away from a different kind of abuser I have come to see her in a new light. Walking away is hard but keeping your head up is harder.
In a New York Times piece she said talking about it was not what they did in her native home Barbados. No, abuse is a family matter. And yet, whether she wanted to or not she has become the poster girl for domestic violence. Beautiful, smart, successful, strong - if she could fall victim to abuse, it could happen to anyone, right?
She told Diane Sawyer she didn’t want to talk about it because she was embarrassed - embarrassed to have loved so much, so completely that she went back to Brown despite the abuse. I know what she feels. I am ambarrassed and ashamed too. I went back over and over again. My friends thought I was crazy, and each time I tried to take responsibility for my actions, I tried to make excuses for him. I tried to change to be what he said he needed. I tried to change him. I tried to explain away his hurtful words. There are some things you cannot take back, and words came be sharp.
My ex would say that I duped him, that I was the liar in our relationship. Yet he calls and harasses, emails and manipulates, lies and tricks me to get access. In the past two months I have changed my cell phone number twice. I have disconnected my home phone. I have used the strictest privacy settings on all my social networking pages, blocked him from sending me emails, changed my passwords to accounts two and three times. And still I get hangup calls at work, email messages to my work account. He fluctuates between hate and love, name-calling and wishful, wistful efforts at reconciliation.
Rihanna is right. She told Diane Sawyer that essentially she had to set her love aside, stand back and from a third party perspective examine her situation. And then, and only then, could she see she had to walk away. I applaud her for talking now. I am grateful to know that there are many strong women who have endured possessive, obsessive, controlling men – and survived. Somehow they find the strength within themselves and the support from family and friends to take back control, walk away and hold their heads up high. So, Umbrella is in my top three playlist right now and I am ready to check our her new album, Rated R which came on Tuesday. It’s getting good reviews — and she said she rejected eight love songs. There’s no crying or whimpering, just strength, endurance and a little tougher edge.
